Are you the kind of person who’s always nice and easy to talk to? You’re always afraid to say no to people, you always put their feelings first, and you never try to get ahead.
But you’ve noticed something:
The more agreeable you are, the less people respect you. The more you think of others, the more they take you for granted. The more you give in, the more people try to push you around.
Because not everyone in the world is understanding. Some people love to show off by putting others down. Some people like to rank people from best to worst. Some people wear two faces and are afraid of strong people but bully the weak.
Someone said, “When you’re weak, there are more bad people. When you’re strong, the world is more fair.” Instead of getting angry and feeling sorry for yourself, think about how to become a more “unintimidating” person.
From now on, you don’t have to please people who look down on you. You don’t have to put up with people who take advantage of you. You don’t have to compromise with people who have different values than you.
Giving Doesn’t Always Earn Respect
My cousin has always been a gentle person. She’s often praised for being well-behaved and obedient. A few years ago, she married a kind man and moved in with his parents.
After getting married, my cousin did all the chores around the house. Her husband was busy with work, and she never asked for help. She always told her mother-in-law to rest and took over the chores.
At first, her mother-in-law helped out with the housework. But slowly, she started to boss my cousin around. If my cousin didn’t do things right or on time, her mother-in-law would show her disapproval.
Over the years, my cousin worked hard to take care of the house, no matter how busy or tired she was. She wanted to get her in-laws’ approval.
Her husband got used to her being so agreeable. Her in-laws thought she was just doing her duty as a daughter-in-law. No one cared about what my cousin wanted. They even treated her family with less respect than they should have.
A few days ago, my cousin’s company was sending a group of employees to a training program for three months. My cousin was one of them. She excitedly went home to tell her family, but before she could finish, her mother-in-law said no. She said her son’s career was already successful, and there was no need for my cousin to improve herself.
Seeing her mother-in-law’s disdain, my cousin realized that no matter how well she did, her mother-in-law would always see her as an accessory to her husband.
This time, she didn’t listen. She had to choose between pleasing her mother-in-law and doing what she wanted. For the first time, she stood her ground and chose the latter.
We’ve heard our whole lives, “Be well-behaved, be patient, be polite.” But no one told us, “Be happy, be yourself, live for yourself.”
Being well-behaved doesn’t always earn praise. Good intentions don’t always get rewarded. Unprincipled tolerance only makes some people more reckless.
So, don’t let constant giving break your back. Learn to care about your own feelings. Do what you should do, and do what you can. When you respect yourself, others will see you standing tall.
Learning to Say No Is More Important Than Being Nice All the Time
“If your self is a castle, then the strength of your psychological boundaries is the moat around it. Of course, the width of the moat is up to you.”
Boundaries are the armor of a soft heart. With boundaries, you’re more free.
There are always people in life who drain you. They cross your boundaries and rarely consider your feelings. If you can’t refuse them decisively, you’ll eventually be held back by more trouble and worries. My friend told me about her parents.
Her parents valued their children’s education. To give her and her sister a better learning environment, they used their life savings to buy a small two-bedroom apartment in the county. The four of them lived there just fine.
But soon, trouble came. Relatives from the village came to the city for business and wanted to stay at their house for a few days. They didn’t have extra space, so her sisters had to give up their room and squeeze into the bedroom with their parents.
Later, other relatives from the village came to the city and stayed at their house, as if their home was a free hotel.
The couple argued a lot about this, and it seriously affected their daughters’ rest and studies. Their grades started to slip, and they protested. Their parents finally realized the seriousness of the problem and decided to stop letting people stay over.
At first, some relatives expressed dissatisfaction, and her parents felt uncomfortable. But they still refused to let anyone stay. Gradually, no one came to stay anymore, and everyone got used to it.
Refusal is a right to survival. It’s a test of a person’s courage and mind, and it’s an art.
For many people, the simplest and hardest word to say is “no.” But when you make your position clear, others know your limits. When you say no at the right time, others understand your difficulties.
Pleasing others starts with pleasing yourself. Let go of people who you don’t get along with. Don’t force yourself to do things you can’t do. Don’t give up your right to say “no” just for the sake of face or to be seen as a nice person.
Developing Skills Is More Important Than Getting Angry
You often hear people complain about their boss being blind or their coworkers being snobby. Some people complain that they’re too unlucky and that fate is unfair.
But in this world, no one can be liked by everyone. No one can have everything their way. There’s a saying: “It’s better to strive than to be angry. It’s better to act than to complain.”
Wu Shihong was an administrative assistant, basically a gofer who made tea, cleaned, and ran errands. She wasn’t happy, but she couldn’t do anything about it.
Some senior employees in her department often ordered her around.
Once, a coworker saw that the lid of her coffee cup wasn’t on and thought Wu Shihong stole her coffee. She publicly humiliated her. This made Wu Shihong furious.
But Wu Shihong knew that anger wouldn’t change the situation. Improving herself was the only way out. From then on, work and study became the most important things in her life.
At the company, she did her chores well, but she also intentionally took on more work. She learned how other coworkers did business and how to interact with clients.
After work, she studied for at least six hours every day. Soon, she passed the IBM “Assistant Engineer” exam. Half a year later, she became a business representative and quickly got promoted.
In just twelve years, she went from a gofer to the general manager of Microsoft China. Those who looked down on her before started to flatter her, but in Wu Shihong’s heart, the past was like a fading mist.
Getting angry doesn’t necessarily make anyone afraid. But having skills can shut the mouths of those who look down on you.
Your worth is determined by yourself. Instead of being consumed by discontent and frustration, try to break out of your current situation, take control of your life, and become strong. We can’t easily change the outside world, but we can endlessly enrich our inner world.
Instead of feeling angry about being looked down on or complaining after being taken advantage of, spend your time growing. Become a big tree that can shelter you from the wind and rain, protecting yourself and providing shade for others.
Be gentle like the spring breeze, but firm like the autumn frost. Be round on the outside but square on the inside, like a coin.
Treat people with warmth like the spring breeze but don’t lose your bottom line. Be flexible and adaptable in your work but stick to your principles. Being an “unintimidating” person doesn’t mean giving up kindness or tolerance. It means setting boundaries while helping others.
Those who love themselves have enough warmth to warm others. Being an “unintimidating” person doesn’t mean being sharp and unyielding. It means remaining calm and composed when others ignore you and you’re feeling wronged. It means keeping your head up and walking your own path.
Truly “unintimidating” people are round on the outside and square on the inside. You need to be strong to not be afraid of the hardships. For the rest of your life, strive to be an “unintimidating” person. Be calm and composed in dealing with people, and be clear-headed and self-reliant in dealing with things.
Be prickly sometimes, but be kind often. Know when to advance and when to retreat. Be free and open. The more you don’t let yourself down, the more surprises you’ll get.