A person with normal social skills and good mental health may only have a tiny chance of being faithful to one person for their entire life.
Whether you like it or not, the fact is that even if someone is in a committed relationship, it doesn’t mean they’ve lost their ability to perceive other attractive people.
Our attitude towards this objective fact often depends on our own stance.
If we’re the ones who stand to lose, we tend to take a moral high ground and criticize, as if we ourselves would never have “impure” thoughts about others.
If we’re the ones who are “cheating,” we’ll gather excuses to justify ourselves and reduce our guilt, or even announce our innocence to others.
These are the most direct human reactions, and they can’t be blamed. But don’t be a hypocrite, and don’t be too hard on others while being lenient with yourself. If you can “make small mistakes,” why do you make a big deal out of it when someone else does the same?
As I said in a previous article, “True love is about making someone better, not possessing them.” But I think it’s easy to say, hard to do, and most people can’t achieve this level. So, even if we can’t make them better, at least we can try to understand them.
Understanding is the starting point of acceptance, and it’s also a prerequisite for forgiveness. That’s why I prefer the term “tolerance,” which means understanding and forgiving. When we truly understand, there’s no need to forgive, because in our hearts, it’s not a mistake—even if it is, we’d do the same if we were in their shoes.
I’ve said a lot, and I hope readers won’t misunderstand—I’m not advocating that infidelity, cheating, and betrayal are okay and should be accepted. I’m just trying to analyze from a human perspective, so the victims won’t see themselves as victims anymore and can finally move on from their pain.
So, theoretically, we understand, but in the real world, it’s hard to do! What can we do?
Before introducing methods, I’ll give two reminders:
First, be clear: even if your partner shows interest in someone new, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
When your partner cheats, reflect on yourself first, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Self-reflection and growth are necessary, but don’t lose your confidence and objectivity.
Second, try to face relationship issues with a transcendent mindset: you can get in and out of the game.
From a higher perspective, looking at this life as just one of many, every life has its own lessons to learn. As we overcome each lesson, our spirituality grows, and our souls enter a higher dimension. Different religions describe this state differently, depending on their beliefs.
So, we can imagine this life as a big play. You can get in and out of the game.
Getting in the game means being sincere. Getting out of the game means having a transparent mindset.
Back to reality, if your partner shows interest in someone else, how do you face it?
I once read a book called “Everything You Know About Love And Sex Is Wrong” by Pepper Schwartz. The author gives three suggestions:
1. Acknowledge it and accept it.
Make it a “couple’s thing.” You and your partner can appreciate and evaluate the person together, treating them as a common fantasy object.
2. Give your partner more freedom, so they don’t feel forced to choose between you and potential romance.
Allow flirting, but don’t suffocate them. Give them some space, but only in public and within limits.
3. Let your partner know that you’re not immune to attraction either.
You’re both healthy, sexual beings who have given each other trust and promises, making your relationship deeper. But this doesn’t mean you won’t be attracted to others. Let your partner know that your love is genuine, but it needs continuous nurturing and effort. They’ll realize that the person at home also needs attention to be kept.
In short, getting in and out of the game is a phrase I remind myself of when facing problems. Applying it to relationship issues, I’d like to give you another phrase:
Cherish all unexpected encounters, and take it lightly when you part ways!