A lot of times, when we talk about middle-aged love, a lot of people say, “It’s a mess,” or “It’s a crisis.”
I want to say, when people reach middle age, their thinking becomes more mature, and they become more rational about relationships.
They don’t have the passion and romance of their youth. They’re more about acceptance and understanding, knowing and appreciating each other, caring and being there for each other. They want to spend the rest of their lives together comfortably, enjoying every day.
A Good Relationship Is About Acceptance and Understanding
Two people who loved each other when they were young, went through dating, marriage, and building their own family.
Then they raised their children, took care of their parents, and worked hard for a living. They went through ups and downs together, supported each other, and stayed together for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, or even longer.
They went through countless tests, and they built each other up.
The love they had at the beginning has faded, but their relationship has become stronger. They’ve become each other’s closest family members. You know his temper, he knows what you don’t like. You know his likes, he knows how you feel. You know what he doesn’t like to eat, he knows what you’re thinking.
In life, the most ideal love is like the love between Qian Zhongshu and Yang Jiang. They were husband and wife, lovers, and friends.
In marriage, Yang Jiang was the wife, supporting their family. Spiritually, Yang Jiang was the lover, giving Qian Zhongshu the sweetness of love. Intellectually, Yang Jiang was his best friend, giving Qian Zhongshu helpful advice.
Qian Zhongshu was like a warrior, charging ahead and being childish and stubborn. Yang Jiang was like a mother, accepting his stubbornness and innocence. They went through ups and downs together, and they stayed together forever.
However, not all love is perfect.
Leo and Emma were college classmates and lovers. After graduation, they got jobs at the same company. Leo, the boy, was handsome and had a gentle and introverted personality. Emma, the girl, was outgoing and assertive, and she was pretty and charming.
After working for two years, they saved up some money and bought a house with the help of their families. They got married and lived happily ever after. Young people envied them.
The following year, their twins were born, and the whole family was overjoyed. From the time Emma got pregnant, Leo’s mother came from their hometown to take care of her. She was kind, hardworking, and down-to-earth. She bought groceries, cooked, cleaned, and took care of all the housework.
After the twins were born, Leo’s father came to help with the kids when he was not busy with farming. He was afraid that it would be inconvenient to live with his daughter-in-law, so Leo rented a smaller apartment nearby for his parents.
The kids grew up, and Leo’s father leased their farmland to others and helped his wife take care of Emma and their three children.
The elderly couple, one buying groceries and cooking, the other picking up the kids, continued until their kids graduated from high school and went to college. Then they returned to their hometown to live their own lives.
To others, their life seemed happy and enviable. But it was not. From the beginning, their marriage was unequal. Emma was assertive, and Leo always gave in to her. Her in-laws also pampered and indulged her, but Emma thought all of this was natural. She didn’t know how to appreciate what she had, and eventually their marriage ended.
A Good Relationship Is About Caring and Respecting Each Other
A family needs all its members to work together. Husbands and wives should care about and respect each other, and they should also respect each other’s families and friends. Only then can a couple stay together for a long time.
If one person always gives in to the other, once a conflict arises and touches the other person’s bottom line, the consequences are predictable.
Let’s go back to the example of Leo and Emma. After her in-laws returned to their hometown, Emma was home alone. Besides working, she had nothing to do. When she got home, she just sat on the couch and watched TV shows on her phone.
She only ate at the company cafeteria or bought food outside, never cooked at home, and didn’t clean much.
Her friends told her to clean up, but she said her mother-in-law always cleaned before, so she didn’t know how to do it. She also complained that her in-laws went back home to enjoy their retirement and didn’t care about her.
Another thing was that because of the pandemic, Leo couldn’t go to his work site, so their family income decreased. Leo stayed home to buy groceries, cook, and clean. Emma was back to having someone take care of her.
Every day, she just got herself ready and watched TV shows on her phone. Leo was busy all day, but she didn’t care about him or be considerate. It was like that was how life was supposed to be.
When the food was not to her liking, she would put down her chopsticks and not eat, and she would eat snacks instead. She would also complain endlessly.
When Leo was home, she would complain every day, saying he was useless, that he had worked for so many years but still hadn’t gotten promoted, and she would compare him to others. Leo was used to her nagging and ignored her. The more he ignored her, the angrier she got, and she wouldn’t stop complaining.
During the pandemic, their kids were on break from school and stayed home. One time, the kids couldn’t stand it anymore and told her to stop nagging. She got angry at her children and said that their grandparents taught them well, that they knew how to lecture their mother, and that they were rebellious.
She even scolded their grandparents along with them. Leo heard her scolding his parents and couldn’t take it anymore. He said something back to her, and she slapped him in front of the kids. Then, what happened next was like a scene from a TV drama. They fought, and in the end, they couldn’t stand it anymore and got divorced.
Emma’s dissatisfaction, her inability to be grateful and respect Leo and his parents, crossed Leo’s bottom line. So Leo stopped giving in, and he ended their almost 20-year marriage and their 20-year relationship.
Some marriages don’t last long because one person gives too much, but they don’t feel the other person’s care and respect. In the end, they’re tired and can’t go on, so they stop.
When people reach middle age, a good marriage is not just about acceptance and understanding, caring and respecting each other, but also knowing and appreciating each other. Only then is it comfortable to be together, and that feeling is more important than love.
Comfort Is More Important Than Love
When people reach middle age, their passion has faded. They have experienced too much hardship and love and hate. Although they have had their ups and downs and arguments, they can’t live without each other.
As they get older, family has replaced love. They have more of a feeling for each other, and that feeling of comfort is more important than love.
Sometimes they want peace and quiet, to be close to each other but have their own space, to be distant but still close. They accept and understand each other, care about and respect each other, know and appreciate each other, and enjoy living comfortably together.
On the long road of life, we will meet many people. Some will be passing through our lives, and some will become our friends, confidants, and lovers.
They share common interests and hobbies, appreciate each other, and don’t need to compromise or be humble in front of each other. They are together freely, talking to each other in a peaceful tone.
Because they understand each other, they cherish each other. Because they cherish each other, they will never leave each other.
In the past two years, there has been a saying circulating online: “Be with whoever makes you comfortable, including friends and family. When you’re tired, just stay away. Pleasing others is far less important than cultivating yourself.”
When people reach middle age, they want to be with people who are on the same wavelength.
They understand, appreciate, and accept each other. They rarely need theory or debate. They understand each other without needing to say anything. Even if they have different opinions, they respect each other’s views.
They know how to listen and don’t rush to express their own opinions. Maybe this silent understanding makes them feel more comfortable. When we were young, we felt happy when we got along and could talk about the same things.
But as we get older, being together, not needing to say anything, knowing that the other person has you in their heart, not needing to make an effort to find topics to avoid awkwardness, that feeling is comfortable.
When people reach middle age, they prefer comfort. They respect, care about, understand, and accept each other.
They accept each other’s imperfections and blend together. They respect each other’s hobbies and appreciate each other. They can take off their masks of social life, drop their pretenses, and be their true selves.
They support each other and stay together until they grow old. They spend the rest of their lives together comfortably, enjoying every day. Middle-aged love: comfort is more important than love.