All our problems come from relationships.
Some people know how to respect others. They have good manners and set boundaries. They make you feel good.
Other people only think about themselves. They don’t care how other people feel. They make you feel uncomfortable.
When you get along with someone, you both feel good.
The most comfortable relationships are when you don’t overstep boundaries, keep things appropriate, and have no grudges.
Don’t Overstep Boundaries
People spend two years learning how to speak, but a lifetime learning how to shut up.
Talking is a skill. Knowing when to stop is the hardest thing to learn in life.
A friend told me about something that happened in college.
She was really close to her roommate. They did everything together.
Right before graduation, they were both invited to dinner with a big shot in their field.
The boss asked my friend about her plans for the future. She was ready to answer, but her roommate jumped in and said, “She’s told me she’s not interested in this field at all. She just wants to be an influencer.”
The boss laughed and changed the subject.
My friend was really upset. This was a great opportunity. If she had done well, maybe she could have gotten a job.
But her roommate said something she told her in private.
This happened a few more times. Eventually, she stopped being friends with her roommate.
Friendships have boundaries.
No matter how close you are, you can’t say anything you want.
Knowing what not to say is the secret to keeping friendships strong.
Knowing when to stop is a sign of maturity.
No matter how close you are to someone, you need to know your limits. Don’t go too far.
In life, the most important thing is to say the right thing at the right time. That’s how you make people feel comfortable.
Relationships that have boundaries make other people feel good and they also make you feel good.
Keep Things Appropriate
Someone said, “You have to know the right heat when you cook. If it’s not hot enough, everyone will complain. If it’s too hot, everything will burn.”
When you’re dealing with people, whether they’re your family or just acquaintances, you need to know the right “heat.” That’s how you make your relationships better.
All human suffering comes from a lack of boundaries.
In life, don’t push things too far. Don’t get too involved. Don’t force your ideas on others. That’s being kind.
Good relationships are about thinking about the other person and considering their feelings. Don’t force them to do what you want.
When you’re with someone who has boundaries and keeps things appropriate, you both feel good.
Have No Grudges
Marshall Rosenberg said:You need to learn to say how you feel, don’t make other people guess.
A lot of problems happen because one person doesn’t ask and the other person doesn’t say anything. But they’re both angry on the inside.
When you’re dealing with people, be honest. Even if you disagree, don’t be sneaky. That’s how you understand each other and avoid grudges.
A friend wanted to buy a car but he didn’t have enough money. So he asked Wilson for a loan.
Wilson said he had money but he wouldn’t lend it to him.
The friend was surprised. Why wouldn’t he lend him money if he had it? Didn’t he consider him a friend?
Wilson explained that he had lent money to a friend in the past and it ended badly. He decided he would never lend money to friends again.
The friend understood after Wilson explained.
Because Wilson was honest, they didn’t have any grudges. They stayed friends.
Being direct is a positive way to deal with problems.
If you’re not clear, problems will happen. You’ll start to doubt each other. You’ll build up more and more misunderstandings.
Be direct. Sometimes being polite and indirect is tiring for everyone.
In life, we often care about appearances. We feel bad inside, but we pretend we’re okay. We’re bothered by things but we pretend we’re fine with it.
But a truly comfortable relationship doesn’t need any pretending. You don’t have to be tough.
Be honest about your feelings. That’s how people understand you better. If you don’t have any grudges, your relationships will last longer.
Being honest is the key to good relationships. Being close is the key to knowing someone well.
When we stop pretending, we can be ourselves in every relationship. We can be close or distant, depending on the situation.
Every relationship has a limit that you can’t cross. It’s not clear, but it’s real.
Every problem and every argument happens when you try to cross that limit.
Everyone has boundaries. Truly comfortable relationships have good boundaries.
Don’t overstep boundaries. Be playful but have limits. That’s how you get along.
Keep things appropriate. Keep your distance. That’s how you stay friends.
Have no grudges. Be honest and open. That’s how you feel good.
I hope you can learn to have good boundaries in life. You’ll be able to move forward and backward with ease. You’ll be elegant and calm. You’ll live a happy and relaxed life.