Many people ask this question:
“Will they feel regret?”
When facing this question, it’s hard to answer because every individual is different. For instance, people who are extremely stubborn and have severe personality defects might not feel regret. On the extreme end, even if they ruin their life due to their own betrayal, they might still not feel regret and instead blame you—if they hadn’t met you, they wouldn’t have encountered these problems, that’s their logic.
Of course, this is an extreme minority case, and in most cases, people who betray emotions usually do feel regret. However, “regret” has certain prerequisites, and we’re discussing the high-probability situation here, not targeting any specific individual.
Firstly, most people who betray only feel regret when they get divorced.
This conclusion isn’t encouraging divorce, but rather stating an objective fact.
Why do people who betray usually feel regret after divorce? Because they “lose”—they lose their marriage, family, and your “good” and “love” towards them. This loss is rooted in their betrayal, and the two are directly causally linked.
People feel regret because they think they’ve done something wrong. Why do they think they’ve done something wrong? Because the ultimate result is wrong. So, divorce is the result, and losing you is the result. Under these circumstances, they will truly feel regret. Otherwise, if the marriage continues, you’ll still treat them well, and they might even fear losing you and become nicer to you. How can they possibly feel regret then?
Don’t expect the other party to achieve “regret” through self-reflection. The probability of self-reflection is extremely low for people who betray emotions. They’re usually pragmatists, and if they don’t suffer “losses” in reality, they basically won’t feel regret in this lifetime.
Some people say, “Even if they divorce and move on to a third party, isn’t it the same as not losing anything?” It’s just a new relationship.
On the surface, this is true, but an important question is being ignored:
The nature of in-marriage and extramarital relationships is different. Marriage involves trivial matters, troubles, and even conflicts; extramarital relationships don’t have to face these, so they’re actually an escape from marriage. Many extramarital relationships can last long because they have a “solid” marriage as a backup—this logic is worth thinking about.
So, once the marriage ends, the nature of the relationship will undergo substantial changes, transforming from a “triangular relationship” to a “one-on-one relationship.” This new relationship is more likely to have conflicts because the two people in the extramarital relationship may have new demands for this relationship. At this point, they might finally feel that the other party isn’t as good as they thought, and the relationship isn’t as sweet as they imagined.
Around this time, they might start to feel regret—but even if they do, they won’t tell you, and they won’t show it, because they need to keep up appearances, pretend, and swallow their pride.
Correspondingly, if there’s no divorce, the probability of the other party feeling regret is low. In other words, if you choose to continue the marriage, don’t keep worrying about how to make the other party feel regret, because only “loss” can make people feel regret. If the marriage continues, and they truly suffer a loss, it might not be a good thing for you either, such as exposing their infidelity and affecting their work, etc. This method can also make them feel regret, but it might not be worth it, and the point of their regret is often not “betraying you” but “how did you find out?”
Next, the person who’s been betrayed doesn’t have to be inferior.
This “not inferior” isn’t about being excellent; it’s just a basic requirement for being a spouse.
This “not inferior” isn’t about self-recognition or the other party’s recognition; it’s an objective existence, a general standard.
After being betrayed, people usually fall into self-denial, thinking they’re not good enough. The person who betrayed them will also instill this concept: “You’re not good, so I betrayed you.” However, these are individual self-cognitions, not objective facts.
In reality, people who’ve been betrayed are often kind, emotional, responsible, and traditional, with good character. You must view yourself objectively and avoid falling into self-abasement. If you’re indeed “not inferior,” believe it, regardless of the outcome of this marriage. Your value, your “goodness,” is here, and the other party is just temporarily ignoring or being blinded to it.
As mentioned earlier, people who betray emotions are usually pragmatists, so they compare. In intimate relationships, the final comparison isn’t about material possessions, appearance, or social status, but about character and values. Just like when you’re asked to list your three best friends, your standards are unrelated to material possessions and only concern how this friend treats you, and the sincerity and trust behind it.
So, after being betrayed, why do I always encourage people to focus on self-improvement? Because the more you accumulate your own value, the more you increase the capital and possibility of making the other party regret.
Finally, the question of whether they’ll feel regret or not is just a concern for now. You hope that one day you won’t care about this question, because when you truly don’t care, it means you’ve thoroughly moved on—you just focus on moving forward, and regret or not is their problem.