Modern society is fast-paced, with a lot of pressure at work, and competition is getting fiercer. This constant tension makes it easy to lose control of your emotions, leading to bad feelings like anxiety, tension, and anger.
Some people silently bear these bad emotions. Over time, both their minds and bodies may start to show signs of trouble. Others might lash out. For example, there’s the famous “kick the cat” effect:
A manager is late for work because of a family issue. He’s upset because he almost broke his own rule about “strict attendance.” He happens to see an employee whose work quality isn’t up to par, so he harshly criticizes the employee.
The employee is angry and takes it out on his child who’s jumping around on the couch when he gets home. The child is upset and kicks the family cat.
It seems like the cat, the weakest and most vulnerable element, is the final victim.
But actually, the story doesn’t end there. The cat runs out into the street, and a truck happens to be driving by. The driver swerves to avoid the cat, but hits a pedestrian on the side of the road. It’s the manager mentioned earlier.
This is just a story, but it illustrates a point: All bad emotions eventually come back to bite you.
Untreated Bad Emotions
Someone might say, “You made up a story where the bad emotions’ originator got what they deserved, but that’s not how things work in real life.”
Even if real life isn’t that coincidental, if you constantly vent your bad emotions on those around you, it will definitely lead to bad relationships, and eventually you’ll be left all alone. It’s still you who ends up unlucky. Actually, psychologists have studied this:
If negative emotions aren’t dealt with in a timely manner, they’ll first affect our thinking, making it hard to see things from multiple angles and find ways out of tough situations.
As time passes, negative feelings spread, possibly leading to shame, guilt, and a sense of lack, lowering self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem tend to blame themselves for mistakes and attribute successes to external factors. They care too much about what others think, don’t accept themselves, lack confidence, have trouble saying no to others, and avoid conflict.
Because of this, they’re afraid of forming long-term, stable relationships, making it hard for them to achieve a happy life.
Emotions Can’t Be Controlled
Since negative emotions are so bad, why not just avoid them? Sorry, emotions can’t be controlled by the conscious mind. It’s not that we don’t want to have negative emotions, but we can’t help it.
Over the course of evolution, the human brain has developed three structures: the reptilian brain, the emotional brain, and the neocortex. The reptilian brain came first and controls basic physiological functions like breathing, heartbeat, and sleep.
The emotional brain came next, and this is where our various emotions are controlled. The neocortex is the outermost layer and the most recent to form. It’s mainly responsible for cognitive behavior related to thinking.
The earlier these three structures form, the faster they react, so emotions act before our conscious mind and aren’t controlled by it. All we can do is understand our emotions, learn to manage them, and then we might be able to change them.
To truly manage your emotions, you need to fully, scientifically, and objectively understand them. Then, based on the reasons for different emotional problems, you can treat them accordingly. For example, many extreme behaviors stem from anger.
But anger actually has a very important positive purpose. It lets the other person know your boundaries and is a form of self-protection. It’s just that anger needs to be expressed within a reasonable range.
Setting a “cooling off period” and putting yourself in the other person’s shoes are two very useful tools for managing anger.
When you’re tutoring your child and your blood is boiling, hit the pause button, take three deep breaths, and you’ll find that half of your anger has already dissipated.
If you can also think about what it would feel like to be in your child’s shoes, you can reduce the rest of your anger. Then you can calmly explain the problem to your child.
Another example is anxiety, which is common nowadays. It’s actually a fear of the unknown and uncertainty. A moderate amount of anxiety is a motivator for progress. But if it goes overboard, it can affect our normal life.
When you feel overly anxious, you need to figure out what the source of your fear is and rationally assess it. This way you can face your fear more objectively and accept it.
Then you can understand that this fear is meaningless and finally control the degree of your anxiety. Emotions, whether good or bad, have reasons for existing. We should understand their existence and learn to deal with them.
Only then can you show more of your true self, and you’ll have more friends because no one likes a “masked person.”
Be Friends With Your Emotions
Emotions exist for important reasons, whether they’re good or bad.
The long journey of life is one of constant loss. In the process of losing things, you’ll inevitably encounter emotions that make you feel uncomfortable, aka bad emotions.
So what we need to do is face all our emotions, feel them, understand them, and be friends with them.
Of course, no one likes bad emotions. When negative emotions arise, try these three things, and it might make you feel better:
- Look at things from multiple angles, reconstruct events, objectively evaluate yourself, and actively seek breakthroughs.
- Realize that all emotions are temporary, not permanent, including negative emotions.
- Treat yourself well and appreciate yourself from now on.
These three steps need to be cultivated consciously in our daily work and study. Only then can we effectively help ourselves when negative emotions strike.
That people with high emotional intelligence aren’t emotionless. They’re able to express their emotions reasonably, and when they express joy, anger, sadness, and happiness, they don’t make others feel offended.