The secret to a long-lasting marriage? Some say it’s love, others say it’s money, and some think it’s shared values or social status. While all these are crucial, the emotional intelligence of both partners plays a significant role in determining the vitality of a marriage.
Maintaining a happy marriage unexpectedly boils down to finding a drive in everyday life for happily married couples. This drive enables them to remain positive towards each other, not letting negativity overpower their thoughts and emotions. In essence, they need to possess emotional intelligence to make their marriage work.
Most people believe that emotional intelligence is more suited for handling work and social relationships, rather than within the confines of a home, especially between intimate partners. This is a big misconception. It’s been said that the hardest company to manage is a family, and the toughest relationship is a marriage.
Therefore, the home is where emotional intelligence is most needed and where one’s emotional intelligence is truly put to the test.
The most direct reflection of emotional intelligence is how well someone can control their emotions. In reality, many women tend to lose control easily in married life, coming off as constantly on edge.
From lecturing children at the dinner table to criticizing their husbands while cleaning, or even complaining about in-laws before bed, their efforts to better the home often fail to address the root issues. This is because instead of calmly stating the problem, they are quick to express their anger.
When emotions flare up, it’s easy to trigger a similar response in the other person. Once two people living together engage in an emotional standoff, they are headed for a cruel and meaningless battle.
Looking at it from a different perspective, if one were to cleverly express their frustrations from the start, it might be closer to resolving the issue than yelling and screaming outright.
So, how does one ‘cleverly’ express themselves? Firstly, you must be aware that throwing tantrums, complaining, or crying won’t help. My goal is to…
Then, at the moment a conflict arises, express your feelings and needs in an appropriate tone and manner. The idea of appropriateness covers the setting, timing, and a mutually acceptable way of interacting.
You can be playful, calmly state your feelings, or issue a serious warning. The key is to express your feelings and communicate your needs without resorting to tantrums.
People with low emotional intelligence tend to widen the gap and exacerbate conflicts, finding it hard to resolve issues and often shifting blame onto others.
On the other hand, partners with high emotional intelligence have already mastered emotional control in their daily lives. They know how to defuse and alleviate misunderstood emotions through skillful means, resulting in minor arguments that do not harm the foundation of the relationship.
One admirable trait of individuals with high emotional intelligence is that they are pleasant to be around and naturally draw others in. They not only manage their emotions well but also consider the emotions of others.
Caring about someone’s feelings is different from seeking their approval. They weigh whether the other person is worth investing effort into maintaining the relationship.
In essence, emotional intelligence is a skill that benefits oneself while avoiding causing trouble for others.
Listening is an Art, Speaking is an Instinct
Observing individuals with low emotional intelligence in daily life, their fatal flaw is their love for pointless chatter.
Even when not fully informed about a situation, they feel compelled to meddle, thinking they know better once they catch a glimpse of something, and they can’t help but interject even when it’s none of their business.
In short, they listen little, talk a lot, but often miss the mark, leaving people unimpressed.
Abigil often complains about her mother’s lack of emotional intelligence, which constantly surprises her. When she and her husband visit her home, her mother, in an attempt to display her authority, lectures them throughout the meal.
Later, when they moved to a new house and invited both sets of parents for dinner, Abigil’s in-laws arrived with gifts while her mother showed up in dirty work clothes, empty-handed.
After dinner, when Abigil found her mother alone in the bedroom, she asked quietly, “Mom, why didn’t you take a break today and went to work? I bought you new clothes, why aren’t you wearing them?”
To Abigil’s surprise, her mother started yelling, “If I don’t work, who will support me? You live in a new house, what about me?”
Abigil’s husband intervened, “Mom, this will be your home in the future, feel free to come and live with us.”
Thinking the issue was settled, her mother made another infuriating remark, glancing at Abigil’s pregnant belly, “You just want me to take care of you after childbirth. Let me make it clear, taking care of you postpartum is your mother-in-law’s job, not mine.”
Abigil’s mother-in-law’s expression changed visibly, about to say something but held back by her father-in-law.
While Abigil’s mother may seem thoughtless in her speech, she has actually done a lot for her children. However, her constant nagging overshadows her many contributions.
Despite her nagging, she often sends them delicious food, refuses red envelopes during holidays, allowing the young couple to keep the money for themselves, and has already made several sets of clothes for the baby Abigil is expecting, monitoring her daily routine.
Abigil mentions that her mother stumbled in terms of emotional intelligence. The divorce between her parents years ago was largely due to both lacking emotional intelligence. They constantly argued, never resolved their issues, and eventually parted ways out of exhaustion.
In reality, many people are like this, always trying to gain the upper hand in conversation, eager to express themselves without listening to what the other person has to say.
This low emotional intelligence communication style, even if fueled by strong initial affection, will eventually wear thin. The lack of effective communication and attentive listening, ultimately leads from arguments to breakups.
Marriage Requires Courage, Sustaining it Requires Wisdom
A good marriage is a win-win situation for both parties, and happiness requires the combined presence of high emotional intelligence in both partners.